I am a competitive person. At times, I can call on this competitiveness for motivation, but in the past it’s also gotten in the way of friendships and doing my best. Not by design but perhaps also not surprisingly, I am now raising a highly competitive daughter. I understand her big emotions at rock climbing competitions and I feel comfortable sitting with her while she works through her feelings. Sometimes she feels like she could have climbed better, and sometimes she feels like she could have placed higher in relation to other climbers. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how different these two things are: The first requires focusing on her own preparation and approach, but the second requires worrying about how others perform. One of these she can control; the other she cannot.
In the sport of rock climbing, this is especially tricky because you end up competing with your friends. So I decided to ask her about it: “Is it ever difficult or weird to compete against teammates or friends?”
“Nope.” Gotta love the teenage one-word reply.
My follow up question was something like, “tell me more about that.”
She then launched into all the things she loves about having friends at the same competition — hanging out in the isolation room, being able to watch and encourage people, feeling the support of people she knows, working together to figure out tricky sections of climbs, and even having people who care about her nearby when things don’t go well.
How does she love competition and not let it get in the way of her friendships? I need to learn more because that is not something I am always able to do. So I continued to ask her questions, I talked with her coaches, other athletes, and parents. Everyone I spoke with seemed to settle on the same advice: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL and not what you can’t control.
In the case of athletics and in many aspects of life, this means placing your priority on your own mental, physical and strategic performance, meaning that you are only really competing against yourself: You know how well you’ve done regardless of how anyone else does.
The people I interviewed who were able to be both highly competitive AND have amazing friendships talked about:
- Their laser focus on their goals,
- Their effort,
- Their attitude during competitions,
- Learning from their mistakes,
- Taking care of themselves,
- Choosing supportive friends, and
- Asking for support or help.
These are all things we CAN control whether we are athletes, parents or just people trying to be our best.
On the other hand, many of the people I interviewed pointed out less useful areas of focus that athletes CAN NOT control, such as:
- What others think,
- What others say,
- Recognition
- Podium results
Focusing on the excellence of your approach and your own experience can make you (and especially me…) a better athlete and a better person. As a reminder, I am going to wear a rubber band on my wrist and every time I find myself focusing on something out of my control I will switch the band to the other wrist, symbolizing how I hope to switch my thoughts. I expect I may be switching the band a lot at first, but I now feel like I have a plan for recognizing thoughts about things I can’t control and transforming them into new thoughts that can help me do and be my best, regardless of where I find myself.
Dr. Pikiewicz earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute in Carpinteria, CA. She completed pre-doctoral training at the Nan Tolbert Nurturing Center in Ojai, CA, and her post-doctoral internship at the Boulder Institute for Psychotherapy and Research. At both sites, Dr. Pikiewicz worked with a range of adult, adolescent and child clients in individual, couple, family and group settings. She also holds a B.S. in environmental science from Allegheny College and a teaching credential from Western Washington University.
